I feel like crap

Is it a bad thing when all you can do is sit and think about how much you wish you were dead? Not in any "where's the knife, it's time to check out' sort of way, but in a quietly desparate sort of way. A 'I want to, but I'm too damn tired, how about tomorrow instead?' kind of thing. And tomorrow just happens to be my day for seeing the T-doc.

MW is home through tomorrow. I should be thrilled! So why do I feel so bad? Aside from the missed doses, of course. Bi-polars 'skip doses because they miss being manic.' I call bullshit on that one. If I were manic, I'd feel a lot better than I do now.

The hunt for the elusive bathing suit goes on. We went to Waynesburg, PA in search of one, but neither of the fat women's stores had them yet. I'd give up, but I promised Xander that I'd start swimming with him.

MW brought his old XM radio with him, along with the home kit he bought the last time he was in. It's all set up in the living room. I've been listening to the 60's station the most, but I love the 'old time radio' station as well. I'm looking forward to listening to more stations.

Off to bed soon, I guess. I have a meeting with my son's teacher and principal in the morning. I get to ask his teacher to fill out a bunch of forms, because he's OCD and possibly ADHD. I don't care what letters they pick out for him, he's my Xander, and that's all that counts.

I guess I have to stay around for him. Damn.

Paying the Price

I knew it was a bad idea. I bought a bottle of diet Pepsi to go with the Chinese takeaway we had, and it wasn't the caffiene free variety. It was the first caffiene in a long time, and I can feel myself heading towards manic. There are so many things to do, and I need to do them RIGHT NOW!!! I was talking to Xander earlier, and he was having trouble understanding me because I was talking so fast. I only paused to take a breath, then it was off again. I hate that. I hate being manic. People think oits fun, but it's not. It's hell. You want to wind down, but your mind and body won't let you. I'll be lucky to get two hours sleep tonight. Xander and I both have appointments in the morning, so I can't exactly try to nap after getting him off to school. Joe said he'd send the child support tomorrow he'd better do that I owe MW money for the rent. I want to move. I hate this apartmenty I want to find someplace better without cockroaches and landlords who are dirty old men who make you uncomfortable I saw some flats online from some local websites and I wonder if I could talk MW into moving in with us and being my roommate to make it better and get something nicer than we have right now he's almost 34 it's time he moved out of his parents house already!!!!!

I think bloogging and mania don't go well together I can';t seem to type now so I will just go ahead and clean the kitchen my gods it needs it.

I received a letter from Legal Aid Saturday morning. They have decided to represent me in the divorce proceeding (the lawyer seemed to find the abuse to be pretty abhorent), and they will contact me to schedule an appointment for me to go in and sign the papers to get the process started.

It's what I've been wanting. I need it to be done so I can move on with life. So why does it feel like a punch to the gut? I called my Mom, told her about the letter. She didn't understand why I feel down. I doubt MW would really understand if I talked to him about it. I guess it's one of those things where you kind of have to go through it to understand it.

Speaking of MW, I'm worried about him. There's a major snow storm going through, and he's somewhere out in it. I called and left him a message on his voicemail, but he never called me back. That's not like him.

I'm going to bed now, I think. I feel like shit. Too much worrying, not enough sleep. I hope tomorrow will be better.

The Return of Lo Bastardo

I had an appointment at Legal Aid yesterday about the divorce. I told lo bastardo a week and a half ago that I was going to file, so he knows what I am doing. He may even agree to irreconcilable differences. Actually, I'm sure he will, since it would mean the abuse wouldn't be mentioned. It should be simple...

Should be, but isn't. The lawyer I met with, Eva, told me they would probably accept my case, but that they may not be able to help me. I may have to go back to England if I want to file. That would be the only way to hope to recover my thirty thousand pounds that my ex stole from me. Still sounds good, right? Here's the rub: visitation. I may have to send Xander to London every summer. That means that he will miss SummerFest (which he doesn't want to miss), and when he comes home I'll have a snotty, spoiled, rotten little boy to deal with. And until he comes home, I will have to live with the sheer terror of them not sending him home.

Xander has dual citizenship. When we got his passport at the American Embassey, we were told that he couldn't enter the US on his British passport. If he were to do so, he'd lose his American citizenship. My MIL told me "you took my son from me, and I am going to take yours from you". I don't trust her. I can't trust her, can't take the chance. What if I have no choice but to trust her?

My ex has Italian citizenship as well as British. What is to stop my MIL taking Xander to the Italian Consulate (which is very close to their home) and register him as an Italian citizen? If they were to take him to Sicily, I'd not be able to get him back.

Do I go through with the divorce, or do I give up on the idea and stay married? Should I go back to my ex, and hope he really has changed? Our visit to London almost three years ago would suggest he hasn't, since he abused me while we were there.

What can I do to keep my son?