I saw my t-doc on Tuesday. I kept the conversation as light as I could, but she looked at me half-way through the hour and said "damn, you're depressed". I had to admit that she was correct. I haven't been able to make myself take a shower in almost two weeks, and changing clothes just doesn't seem worth the hassle. My t-doc asked me if I had any friends I could talk to. I admitted that I had shut everyone out except Mike, and that's only because he won't let me. But since he went off to drive a truck, I hardly get to talk to him, anyway. There are a few people online I consider friends, but it's not the same. That isn't a slight on efriends. Talking face to face is hard. I have to pretend that I am fine, and it exhausts me. I don't want to complain, because people don't like whiners. I even find myself sugar-coating everything for my t-doc and p-doc.
I had another fucked up nightmare Tuesday night. It just hit me out of left field. Not a flashback nightmare. Those I have on a regular basis. I don't even wake up screaming anymore. This nightmare was one of those you try to wake yourself from and just can't. It follows you as you try to wake, and drags you back into it.
The topic of nightmares leads me to medications. No, really. I suffer from insomnia. However, when I do sleep, I have nightmares. It leaves me with two choices:
Take a sleeping medicine to help me fall asleep before 5:30am or
Take a medication to suppress dreams.
Problem is, I would need both, but they cannot be taken together. But wait, it gets more fun!
My p-doc and i finally found a sleeping med that works for me. Glory hallelujah! Thing is, medicaid won't authorise it. They insist that I have to take one called Sonata. I'm sure it's great, but it doesn't do crap for me. But i have to take it, because we have to try all the meds on the preferred list before they will authorise a script for the one that works. You'd think they'd *like* the one that works, too, because it's non-addicting and they say you can't OD on it. When you suffer from an illness where the main cause of death is suicide, a med that you cannot OD on is a *good* thing.
I'm exhausted. I'll blog* more later.
*whine
I had another fucked up nightmare Tuesday night. It just hit me out of left field. Not a flashback nightmare. Those I have on a regular basis. I don't even wake up screaming anymore. This nightmare was one of those you try to wake yourself from and just can't. It follows you as you try to wake, and drags you back into it.
The topic of nightmares leads me to medications. No, really. I suffer from insomnia. However, when I do sleep, I have nightmares. It leaves me with two choices:
Take a sleeping medicine to help me fall asleep before 5:30am or
Take a medication to suppress dreams.
Problem is, I would need both, but they cannot be taken together. But wait, it gets more fun!
My p-doc and i finally found a sleeping med that works for me. Glory hallelujah! Thing is, medicaid won't authorise it. They insist that I have to take one called Sonata. I'm sure it's great, but it doesn't do crap for me. But i have to take it, because we have to try all the meds on the preferred list before they will authorise a script for the one that works. You'd think they'd *like* the one that works, too, because it's non-addicting and they say you can't OD on it. When you suffer from an illness where the main cause of death is suicide, a med that you cannot OD on is a *good* thing.
I'm exhausted. I'll blog* more later.
*whine
posted by orion`s daughter @ 08:45
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